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Chapter 17
Sentence Conciseness
Avoiding Wordiness and Overwriting
It is a mistake to believe that the more words a theme contains the better. Professional writers who are paid according to the number of words they write may find wordiness profitable, but they would never claim that it improves their articles. Most good writing is effective be- cause it is not cluttered with unnecessary words.
Do not think, however, that wordiness appears only in long compositions. A long piece of writing may contain no superfluous words, whereas a short piece may be full of them. Studying the principles in this section and doing the exercises will make you aware of wordiness in writing and help you to avoid it in your own compositions.
SUPERFLUOUS WORDS
AND UNNECESSARY REPENTION
The following example of wordiness was the opening para- graph of a high school student's composition about an overnight hike. Lines have been drawn under the superfluous words.
When in the course of human events, when a woman finds it
necessary to rest her weary bones, she packs up and goes on what is inappropriately called a vacation. Last summer I had the good fortune to go during the summer to a mountain camp in the mountains of eastern Pennsylvania. On the day that I arrived, when I got to camp, I found that the camp had been quarantined because of the measles that one of the younger campers had brought in, and no one who was in the camp could leave. After we had spent a week in camp, the prospect of an overnight hike in the mountainous wilds looked especially good to us campers who had been so long confined to camp by the quarantine.
17a. Avoid wordiness by eliminating superfluous words and the unnecessary repetition of ideas.
BETTER: The game is played with tiny balls, which, I think, are made of steel.
BETTER: After descending to the edge of the river, we boarded a small raft.
WORDY: The first story in the book is a masterpiece in itself and quite a story.
BETTER: The first story in the book is a masterpiece.
EXERCISE 1. Revise the following sentences, eliminating superfluous words.
1. We watched the big, massive black cloud rising up from the level prairie and covering over the sun.
2. Far away in the distance, as far as anything was visible to the eye, the small, diminutive shapes of the campers' tents were outlined in silhouette against the dark sky.
3. Modern cars of today, unlike the old cars of yesterday, can be driven faster without danger than the old ones.
4. When what the speaker was saying was not audible to our ears, I asked her to repeat again what she had said.
5. It was in this mountain wilderness that the explorers found there the examples of wildlife for which they had been looking.
6. During this year's current baseball season, 0 home games
and many away games in other cities may be watched at home on your television screen as they are brought to you over station WPIX.
7. The mediator said that if both parties would give in a little that a satisfactory settlement could be reached that would satisfy both parties.
8. In spite of the fact that the danger was neither tangible to the touch nor visible to the eye, it was very real to A the dwellers and inhabitants of the village in the foothills which circled around the base of Mt. Wilson.
9. The drive over to Cross Village follows and winds along the top of a great, huge bluff above the lake.
10. When at last the pounding finally began to stop, I stretched myself out prone upon the bed and attempted to try to go to sleep.
11. The world in its present state of affairs today is in great and dire need of great leaders who will work hard to prevent the recurrence again of a disastrously destructive world war.
12. During the hours in the morning before noon, there is a variety of radio programs of different kinds to which you may listen to.
13. As you continue on in the book a little further, you will be surprised and amazed by the clever skill of the writer of the book in weaving in together the many previously unrelated threads of his story.
14. At the final end of the picture, the villain abruptly and sud- denly does an about-face and changes completely into a good person with admirable characteristics.
15. His mental thought processes puzzled his school teachers and made them despair of his future success in the years after his graduation from school.
16. 1 am always as a rule surprised to find out that a currently popular hit tune was also a popular number years ago in the past when my parents were both going to high school.
17. She was firmly determined to combine together both of the two divisions of the firm in order to achieve a stronger company eventually in the long run.
18. Circling around her adversary with a menacing look on his face, Sable bided her time and waited for an opening through which she could connect up with her mighty right.
19. President Clinton’s struggle with the obstreperous congress ended up in a victory for the president when the public voted at the November election to re-elect him again to the Presidency for another term of office consisting of four years.
20. The final conclusion of the novel on which Dick had been working for some years was disappointing to everyone who read the manuscript, and he decided to revise the story and change it to better reflect what his public liked, or so he hoped.
EXERCISE 2. Revise the following wordy paragraphs. Eliminate all unnecessary words but keep the ideas of the paragraphs clear.
1
When we were two hundred yards away from our objective, which was a small little grove of pine trees on the sloping side of a hill, we were confronted by a vast, wet swamp. I remembered that during the last two weeks we had had, out of fourteen days, ten days of rain, and decided in my own mind to send out a few scouts who might discover a way by means of which we could reach the grove without getting our feet wet. Then, when the scouts reported back that their efforts to try to find a dry path through the swamp had been unsuccessful, we gave up and resigned ourselves to sloshing knee-deep through the muddy water.
2
When, after eight years of education in school, the student enters the ninth grade and becomes a freshman, then he begins to find out what seniors are really like. Up until this point, seniors have been heroes to him, admired from a respectful distance away as though they were gods, unless he has happened to know one personally, of course. But now, however, his conception under- goes a change. The senior becomes an ogre whose one and only purpose in life seems to the freshman to be to make life as miser- able as possible for each and every freshman. Every way the freshman turns in the school corridors, a senior hall cop, with a great big letter on his chest, grabs him with huge talons and tells him with hot and fiery breath that he cannot go down an up stairway. He is enticed into joining clubs which are ruled over and presided over by seniors who use him mainly for the performance of unpleasant errands beneath the dignity of a senior. Whenever the freshman cannot be of use, he is ignored. His former ambition to be a senior fades out and wanes until one day he begins to think thoughts of getting his revenge. In his frenzied brain the idea dawns on him if he is patient, he, too, will some- day enjoy the privilege of molding the lives and characters of ninth-graders. This idea accounts for the fanatic fixed stare which is to be seen in the eyes of so many freshmen.
CONCISENESS THROUGH REDUCTION
The opposite of wordiness is conciseness. In your effort to write well, you will profit from studying some ways to make your writing more concise. Of course, there is a danger in being too economical in your use of words; writing which is too concise will not be clear and will not achieve its intended effect. Nevertheless, the following rule will call to your attention some helpful methods of avoiding wordiness.
17b. Avoid wordiness by reducing clauses to phrases, and phrases to single words. This process Is known as reduction.
1. Clauses reduced to participial, gerund, or infinitive phrases
CLAUSE Because we had found no one home, we left a note in
CLAUSE If you leave at noon, you can get to Chicago at three o'clock.
GERUND PHRASE Leaving at noon will get you to Chicago at three
CLAUSE We decided that we would get an early start. INFINITIVE PHRASE We decided to get an early start.
2. Clauses reduced to prepositional phrases
PHRASE The teams from Missouri were not scheduled to play the first day of the tournament.
CLAUSE When the sun sets, the streetlights come on.
PHRASE At sunset the streetlights come on.
CLAUSE After you have graduated, you will be looking for a job.
PHRASE After graduation, you will be looking for a job.
CLAUSE My cousin who lives in Mexico speaks Spanish fluently. PHRASE My cousin in Mexico speaks Spanish fluently.
3. Clauses reduced to appositives
CLAUSE Dr. Brown, who is the chief surgeon, will operate. APPOSITIVE Dr. Brown, the chief surgeon, will operate.
APPOSITIVE Her two dogs, a collie and a spaniel, perform different duties on the farm.
4. Clauses and phrases reduced to single words
WORD The canceled dance classes will be rescheduled.
CLAUSE Laura is a runner who never tires.
WORD Laura is a tireless runner.
CLAUSE We met a woman who dances in the ballet.
WORD We met a ballerina.
PHRASE Her career in the movies was brief.
WORD Her movie career was brief.
PHRASE She greeted everyone in a cordial manner.
WORD She greeted everyone cordially.
From these examples of reduction you can see how to make your own writing more concise. Usually the time for such reduction is during revision of your papers. Re- vising the sentences in the following exercises will give you practice in writing more concisely.
EXERCISE 3. The following sentences can be made more concise by reducing the italicized groups of words according to the directions given. Rewrite each sentence according to the directions.
1. (a) Since she is an automobile dealer, Mrs. Holmes has promised her children a car as a gift (b) when they reach their seventeenth birthday.
[(a) Reduce clause to an appositive; (b) reduce clause to a prepositional phrase.]
2. After (a) he had looked everywhere for an old place (b) that he could renovate, Mr. Dayton bought the house (c) that was deserted on the edge of town.
[(a) Reduce he had looked to a gerund (-ing); (b) reduce clause to an infinitive phrase (to + verb); (c) reduce that was deserted to an adjective.]
3. The orchard (a) of apple trees which stood (b) in the area behind the house yielded no fruit during his first year there, but it bore much fruit (c) when the second season came. [(a) Reduce phrase to an adjective; (b) reduce to one prepositional phrase; (c) reduce clause to a prepositional phrase.]
4. (a) Since we were sitting in seats (b) which were near first base, we were able to judge the accuracy of the decisions (c) of the umpire. [(a) Reduce clause to a participle (-ing), omitting in seats; (b) reduce clause to a prepositional phrase; (c) reduce phrase to a possessive.]
5. (a) Because it was necessary for her to be away from home (b) in the afternoon and in the evening for many days, Mrs. Stein, (c) who is the president of the Parent-Teacher Association, hired a succession of baby-sitters (d) who were to take care of her children (e) while she was absent. [(a) Reduce clause to a participial phrase (Having to be . . . (b) reduce two phrases to two words telling when; (c) reduce clause to an appositive; (d) reduce clause to an infinitive phrase (to + verb); (e) reduce clause to a prepositional phrase.]
EXERCISE 4. The italicized clauses and phrases in the following sentences can be reduced. Revise the sentences, reducing the clauses to phrases or appositives or single words, and the phrases to single words. You may omit unnecessary words, and you may occasionally need to change the word order.
1. We decided to wait for the bus in order that we might save money.
2. After I had finished the assigned reading, I read three novels which were written by Virginia Woolf.
3. This small hotel, which is situated in Connecticut, is patronized mainly by people from Boston.
4. After he lost a leg in an accident which occurred while he was hunting, Monty Stratton, who was a pitcher for the White Sox, made a comeback in professional baseball which was amazing.
5. Our seats in which we sat at the Army-Navy game were almost on the forty-yard line, and they were at the top of the stadium.
6. The poetry of Blake has had an influence that is notable on the poetry of Yeats.
7. While he was inspecting his new house, which is in the suburbs, Mr. Doyle stumbled over a piece of flooring and fell down the stairs leading to the cellar.
8. Our days that we spent in the north woods would have been perfect if it had not been for the mosquitoes that were enormous and hungry.
9. Inez, who is an ambitious young actress, found that the acting that she did in a stock company in the summer gave her the experience that she needed.
10. The most common complaint that is made by students is that every teacher chooses Friday on which to give examinations.
EXERCISE 5. Revise the following wordy paragraphs. Eliminate all unnecessary words and reduce clauses to phrases or appositives or single words. You may change the word order, but you must keep the ideas of the para- graphs clear.
1
As a result of the nation's energy shortage, the nation's government spends literally thousands of dollars in money each and every year making energy-saving improvements in selected homes in order to demonstrate to its citizens that energy-saving improvements can result in huge money savings on gas and electric bills. Despite such efforts, many people do not bother to take the advice of the government and to make the improvements to their own homes. According to a number of social scientists who are studying the problem of motivating people to conserve energy, homeowners do not always and everywhere respond to government planning and policy making in the way that government would like them to respond. As far as saving energy is concerned, many people wonder why they should make any improvements at all if they are able to afford the higher price of energy with the money they have. Furthermore, people desire convenience and comfort in the home and this desire affects their decisions about their homes just as much as their desire to save energy or to save money. Therefore, if the government is to be more successful in convincing people to conserve energy, it must, by way of example, show people that a home with weatherstripping, for example, is or can be more enjoyable or more comfortable than a home with- out weatherstripping. According to social scientists, unless the government takes a different approach to the needs and wants of its citizens, its program to conserve energy in homes around the country may not succeed as well as could be expected.
2
Needless to say, I am not one of those who are members of the senior class who believe that the senior lounge should be closed during the week of exams. It goes without saying that seniors need a place which is quiet and relaxing in order for them to escape the pressures which accompany exam week. If the lounge is closed during this time, it would mean that seniors would be forced to use the cafeteria, which is crowded, or the auditorium, which is noisy, for the purpose of relaxation. Furthermore, the use of the senior lounge during exam week is by this time one of the few privileges that seniors are still able to enjoy here at Fast High; not long ago the right of seniors to park cars in the parking area reserved for members of the faculty was recently taken away by the Student-Teacher Council. If more privileges are taken away, the morale of seniors will weaken.
THE OVERWRITTEN STYLE
In their efforts to write impressively, high school students sometimes produce writing that is so artificial, flowery, and cumbersome as to be absurd. Such a style results from the mistaken notion that big words, unusual words, and figures of speech, no matter how commonplace, are "literary." Unlike mistakes made through carelessness or laziness, a mistake of this kind is made by trying too hard to sound like a great writer. The resulting style is said to be "overwritten."
17c. Avoid an overwritten style. Write naturally with- out straining after a "literary" effect.
The following example of overwriting will make you aware of the fault. Doing the exercise which follows this will also help you correct overwritten passages in your own work.
HARBOR FOG
As I stood on the magnificent span which arched above the swirling waters, the mournful warnings of the anchored ships pierced the dense fog. The constant beat of the harbor bell buoys and the gentle lapping of the murky water on the piling of this bridge combined to permeate the night air with a mystic tenseness.
The harbor boats moved tediously through the night, and their wakes left grotesque trails that slowly dissolved and enveloped themselves in the depths of the blackness.
Although it was late, the never-ceasing rumble of activity from the nearby city could still be apprehended. The penetrating night air was heavy with moisture and with each soft puff of breeze the salt of the sea could be detected.
During World War 11, Representative Maury Maverick, of Texas, became impatient with the overwritten style of some government writing and branded this sort of writing with the descriptive term "gobbledygook." Here is an example of the gobbledygook that troubled Mr. Maverick: "Illumination is required to be extinguished upon vacating these premises." You can see how much more effective would be, "Turn out the lights when you leave."
EXERCISE 6. Each of the following sentences represents the fault of overwriting. In simpler words write your ver- sion of the idea which is here expressed in a forced and unnatural style.
1. In a vast explosion of frozen precipitation, Jan shot through the feathery drift, maintaining without apparent effort her equilibrium upon the fragile strips of ash strapped to her pedal extremities.
2. My exploration of the intriguing heights of the science of economics left me with the firm conviction that Homo sapiens is powerless when it comes to exerting any detectable influence on the fundamental operation of supply and demand.
3. The bitterest irony of our fevered time is the oft-repeated concept that only by creating more magnificent and more deadly instruments of explosive destruction can human beings bring to this whirling planet the era of tranquillity for which it has longed since the beginning of time.
4. The sharp impact of wood upon the little white sphere was followed by a sudden emanation of sound, like an explosion, from the throats of the assembled multitude in the tiered stands as the soaring pellet arched over the greensward and came to rest beyond the masonry in the left field.
5. Nothing so impresses one with the warm security and pleas- ing restfulness of one's native surroundings as extensive peregrinations into foreign realms and among the exotic areas on the surface of our world.
6. Following our educational endeavors of the day, several of us conscientious seekers after knowledge relaxed our weary cerebrums by lending our ears to the latest discs at Tower’s music emporium.
7. Laying aside for the nonce the tomes of wisdom, I selected from the periodical rack the current issue of my favorite pictorial publication and, elongated upon the resilient davenport, slowly perused the photographic narrative of the week's outstanding occurrences.
8. In order to forestall the embarrassment of a refusal, I pre- ceded my request for Helen's company upon an excursion to the local cinema by inquiring of her nearest of kin as to what Helen's social calendar held for the Friday evening in
question.
9. Bent upon a week's exploration of our nation's vast regions of tranquil pristine wilderness, I bade a fond farewell to my anxious mater and, with my earthly possessions ensconced in a commodious rucksack, embarked upon my great adventure via public interstate omnibus.
10. Lifting the pigskin from -the water-soaked gridiron with his trusty toe, Harvey booted it with mathematical precision directly between the white uprights silhouetted against the setting sun.